he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
