Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
