dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
