I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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