life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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