see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
