get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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