I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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