i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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