why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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