I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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