I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
