just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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