Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
