There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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