a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
BRING THE BAGELS
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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