the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
