i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
