I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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