can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
