if you like me you must not know who I am
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
