he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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