you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
