I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
