I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
