i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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