You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
