pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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