so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
