Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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