I have demons in me.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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