He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
