I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
