I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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