i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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