i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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