he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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