In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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