Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
