Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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