HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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