i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
