He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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