Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
