Your favorite bartender is back from prision
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
there is glitter all over my balls
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