can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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