last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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