Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
