roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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