Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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