i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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