Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
