tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
