How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
