Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
