We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
