Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
