quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize