We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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