I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
