he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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